OoC | Pie For The People
Yes, today's Object of Civility is Pie
Today's OoC newsletter looks at the courageous-hearted actions that kk naimool and her organization Queer Family Network took in response to the recent murder of a young trans man in upstate New York. Some of the writing may cause distress.
1. The Awful Facts, in Brief
Sam Nordquist, a twenty-four-year-old trans man, was tortured over several weeks until he was ultimately killed. This happened between December 2024 and February 2025, in upstate New York. Seven people have been charged with second-degree murder with depraved indifference.
My God.
Sam Nordquist, may you rest in peace.
2. Pie For The People
kk naimool found out about Sam Nordquist's death when someone in her LGBTQ activist network texted her "They've found him. I don't know what to do."
"Found who?" she texted back.
kk explained the context: "There is a network of us - all across the country - LGBTQ+ activists and our allies. We check in or alert each other when something happens or we need support. Many of us rally our local communities to show up for unhoused LGBTQ youth. We work together to find them things like temporary housing, food, maybe some money for a train ticket."
Then the awful news came. Then she read the horrific details on the internet.
She sat on the couch with her wife who was crying.
But after a few minutes of shock, kk got angry.
In fact, kk laughs, "I don't really have access to freeze or flight. My trauma response is always fight." kk says her mother was often in awe of kk's fierceness as a young child, noting that she came out into the world this way.
Anger has a bad reputation, but it's the emotion that shows the way. It's the emotion that says 'not that, this.' It is the emotion that fights the good fight. The emotion that often fuels powerful and joyful and loving action.
The first powerful and joyful and loving action kk took was to create a beautiful memorial image for Sam. A celebration of his young and tender life. "I gave him all the halos I could," she says smiling. The message to community members and on social media was "let's give Sam his flowers."
The second action kk took was to create a celebration of Sam's life - a memorial at a local pie shop for the LGBTQ community.
"I was feeling so lost. Everyone was feeling so lost. We needed to bring our community together to celebrate, because celebrations are also grieving. And what do people do when they are sad? They eat their feelings," kk laughs.
So kk and her organization Queer Family Network put out an open invitation on their social media accounts for a remembrance of Sam, with a note "Pie is on us!"
They chose Beacon's Noble Pies as a venue "because every time I walk in there, I see some visibly queer young people." It seemed like the perfect place to come together and "cement our presence in this town."
60 people showed up from all different walks of life and kk served about 40 slices of pie. Grandparents of a trans person who lives in a different part of the country. A teenage trans activist from the local high school with his parents. People from the queer community who also experience food insecurity and for whom pie was not just a grieving action, but a genuine treat. An old white man who wasn't personally connected to the LGBTQ community but who was visibly upset by the rise in hatred, came to pay his respects. A few people who didn't know about Sam's memorial and were there just for pie, and so happily got a slice for free and were welcomed in by the local queer community. Two esteemed Black queer leaders who were driving back from their advocacy work in Albany who were devastated by the news of Sam's death and took a detour to come and drop in.
There were tears, and confessions of fear, but also laughter, pride, and gratitude for being part of such a beautiful and radical community.
Grief often feels like a free fall. A betrayal of our reality - our interpersonal gravity. Everyone felt at a loss, and also literally lost. But they found each other over pie.
If you would like to make a donation to kk's pie fund (it's not really called that, but you know what I mean!) keep in mind that it's about $35 for a good old American apple pie. And they need about $25,000 to cover upcoming events that are free for all, and exuberantly celebrate the queer community's existence, and in particular Trans Visibility Day on March 31.
3. Joy Is At The Center
kk's response to the despair of losing Sam Nordquist is rich with courageous-heartedness. There is so much to take away from her way of being in the world. But for the purposes of Objects of Civility section of the newsletter, I'm going to parse out a few distinctions specific to the framework of Creative Civility, as I outlined in this talk at Do Wales last summer.
Human Centered
kk grew up in the Caribbean and "being gay in the Caribbean meant death or rape. You couldn't trust anyone except people who were probably as desperate as you."
When kk turned 25 years old she cried, "because I was sure I would have been dead before then. I see myself in Sam Nordquist."
When kk turned 40 she cried "because not only was I alive, I was happy." Her forties have been the happiest time of her life. A time when she can openly hold her wife's hand, surrounded by an openly loving community.
"Sam was still a baby. It absolutely breaks my heart. He hadn't had a chance to fully come into himself, to live and celebrate who he was, just as he was. To have what I'm only just experiencing now."
When we center kk's leadership we are being human centered.
Being human centered is centering those people most impacted by an issue. The people who have the lived experience and in turn have the embodied wisdom.
Joyful Disruption
During our conversation, over and over, kk returned to joy. Of the importance of the LGBTQ community joyfully celebrating their own existence, even as public health risks are exponentially higher if you are queer. The importance of pie, even though everyone is in shock and mourning.
kk has a background in public health. And she has a special gift for weaving together the serious public health concerns the queer community faces with a joyful celebration of who they are. Just as she did by treating everyone to pie knowing that some of the people in the community face food insecurity.
With the design of her events and gatherings she makes sure that everything is free, and bright and beautiful and proud, but also pragmatically addressing people's basic needs.
Joyful Disruption interrupts a process in which people feel apathetic or adversarial or hopeless, with an unexpected moment of delight and wonder. Joyful Disruption can have people go from focusing on their genuine grievances to focusing on what is possible. kk is a master at this.
There is so much despair and fear and and anger and loss around Sam Nordquist death. So much to drive us even further apart. kk refused this, and brought everyone together, over pie.
Sam Nordquist, may you rest in power.