OoC | Scales of Civility
For when civility feels like opening an umbrella to shelter from a tidal wave
The idea of civility right now can feel like opening an umbrella and expecting it to provide shelter from a tidal wave. But there are different scales of civility—they are all important—they are all heartening.
Today's entry in the Objects of Civility series explores these different scales, offering places to begin even when things feel overwhelming or saturated by defeat and hopelessness.
1. Scales of Civility
The scales of civility ripple outward. Yes, like a stone dropped in water. If an area of life feels like it has become so adversarial it's at a gridlock, consider drawing your attention towards your inner circles. Tend to them with the care and curiosity that are otherwise missing from civic life. Be open to the beautiful ways this may unfold outward across people and time.
Self: Anchoring
This is where it begins, in anchoring ourselves within: in the quietness of our relationship with self; in self knowledge and self honor; in the practices we develop to stay grounded while our world is turbulent.
Reflection: What practices do you return to when seeking inner peace, resiliency, and joy?
Hint: It's often the basics like getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, walking, practicing healthy self talk, doing our chores, meditating, prayer.
It's about belonging to and trusting ourselves - knowing that we are trying our best -so much so that we are able to meet difference with curiosity rather than fear.
Relational: Listening
This is where we learn to listen because it is where truth and poetry is found: in the space between us.
Here we can learn to hear beyond our own certainties; to discover the unexpected beauty in others; to build trust even across deeply felt differences.
Reflection: How do you listen? What questions lie underneath your listening? Are you listening to repackage other’s stories into your own understanding? Can you hear others’ truth? Can you tell the truth about yourself inside your relationships?
Hint: Sometimes it's the unexpected connections that expand our understanding of the world the most - the neighbor whose politics differ from ours but who helps us shovel the snow, the peer who challenges our assumptions but celebrates our successes.
If civility is about creating spaces where differences can coexist with care and mutual respect, then the profound ways we listen to each other inside our relationships is what builds this civility.
Organizational: Belonging
This is where we practice belonging together: in our workplaces, community groups, houses of worship - the collective containers we craft collaboratively.
Over time our words, our gestures, and our behaviors form patterns of normalcy. We are writing the unwritten rules—the rules that can allow (or disallow) different voices to be heard; to allow (or disallow) different people to belong.
Reflection: How do you belong inside your communities? Do you work to fit in, or do you get to show up as your authentic self? What kind of belonging do you offer those around you?
Hint: Notice how the structures around you either welcome or exclude different voices. The meeting formats, the social rituals, the unspoken expectations—these shape who gets to belong and how.
When you look for the small moments of difference and welcome them in, when you hold space for discomfort, you are being a powerful leader. You are holding space for simultaneous truths to be known.
Around you people can experience that belonging doesn't require sameness.
Societal: Culture-Making
This is where we shape the culture of our public life. Our public discourse actively weaves together (and sometimes destroys) our civic fabric so it can hold our deepest disagreements without tearing.
Reflection: Whose side are you on? Are there sides? What stories do you hear about people on the other side? What stories do you tell? What cultures are we creating?
Hint: Notice where you draw lines between "us" and "them." Look for moments to complicate these stories - when someone you've categorized as "other" surprises you with their humanity, when you find unexpected common ground, when you catch yourself oversimplifying.
The stories we tell about each other become the culture we live within.
Global: One Living World
This is where we face the edges of our empathy: when we try to extend our circle of care across vast distances of geography, language, and culture. Here we confront both our limits and our profound interconnection.
Reflection: How do you hold what feels far away? What helps you remember our shared humanity across borders and boundaries? How do you stay present to global challenges without becoming overwhelmed?
Hint: Start with something tangible - trace the journey of your morning coffee from seed to cup, learn the story of one refugee family, follow climate news from a country you know little about.
Let your circle of awareness expand slowly, deliberately. The challenges we face as a species—from climate change to pandemics—remind us that borders are human inventions, while our interdependence is elemental.
