057 There Is a Line and We Have Labelled It Impossible

Structure and Chaos

1. Blagh! Analytical and structured!

There are certain personality traits that are culturally privileged because they support productivity. Or at least the appearance of productivity.

I am talking about analytical and structured personalities; the people who invented systems, procedures, forms, time management, tax returns, health insurance, Gantt charts, and doing the dishes before you go to bed.

The people who, like morning people, carry an air of moral superiority. As though being organized (or pedantic) were a virtue rather than a personality trait or socialized habit. As though being methodical and consistent made you a better person, rather than just a more reliable (and predictable) one.

The people that make loving jokes about me being disorganized or messy or crazy while giving me a sideways hug. To which I sometimes say: Girl, I get more shit done than you! Which is befuddling to both of us, because it's often true, but neither of us can figure out how it's true. By all established cultural norms (such as logic and the time-space continuum) it shouldn't be true.

One of these analytical and structured people broke up with me once. The breaking point came when I refused to plan how we'd leave the house. He wanted me to have a conversation before 9am on a Saturday to schedule showering, and dressing, and breakfasting, and meeting by the front door. We always have you weekends, I yawned. We're having a me weekend. We'll just leave when we leave.

This sent him into a fury (the Mid Western kind where hatred fumes out of all of your pores but you say nothing). Which really just meant I terrified him. Leaving the house when we leave the house was terrifying to him.

When he broke up with me a day or two later he explained that I was disorganized and unreliable and unfair to him. He explained that I didn't live life in a sound way. Which I took really seriously and I was trying to figure out how to become a more sound person when I told my sister who replied: the f#ck!? You get dressed and leave the house every day don't you?

Oh yeah… I said.

Didn't you raise a million dollars or something this year? she shouted.

Oh yeah… I said.

We just weren't a match.

(But he's probably still out there trying to control life itself with Trello Boards. And I'm still over here having the occasional day without toilet paper because I forgot to pick more up.)

2. Yay! Analytical and structured!

My opinion of analytical and structured personalities reminds me of how introverts must feel about extroverts: they've taken over the world and are forcing us to follow their rules and preferences. Essentially, they're oppressing us!

But they are people! And we love people, remember! And yes of course I love and adore analytical and structured people. Truly! I am so grateful to them I could kiss them on their furrowed foreheads. Bridges exist because of them. Movie production timelines work because of them. We have espresso machines that make cafe lattes because of them. And theatre tickets! My analytical and structured friend got tickets to a sold out show I really wanted to see but would never have thought to book in advance.

The analytical and structured people that I've worked with have been literal gifts from God. They are incredible partners in reality making.

But let us remember, that while beautiful reality making wouldn't exist without the analytical and structured people, it wouldn't exist without people like me either.

The people who declare with a fierce certainty we are going to do [—insert vision—] without a clue as to how we are going to do it. The people who are oriented towards a commitment for the world, rather than the well worn paths of the world. The people who are willing to stand in the gale fury that is on the other side of the line labeled: impossible.

Kafka refused to take over the family shop, but not the obligation to earn a living. He worked as an insurance clerk for most of his short life (though he openly resented it), dedicating his evenings to writing that often satirized the very bureaucracies that bound him by day. (Kafka’s notebook on view at the Morgan Library.)

3.Recently though…

There have been some very analytical and structured people who have rolled back the line of impossible across democracy. They've brought us all into the gale fury.

This is discombobulating. Aren't you people meant to be making systems rather than breaking them? Aren't you meant to have a personal preference for that condition often referred to as stability? Or peace? Or if not, at least common decency and a shared sanctity for human life?

Of course, notes 1 and 2 above are intentionally silly and simplified takes on reality - binaries are never true. Everything exists on a spectrum; in a field of possibilities. Someone might be analytical and see a painting and be so moved they weep. Someone else who is structured might dedicate this talent to operationalizing homeless shelters during our acute housing shortage.

On the other hand, even I, who celebrates life's spontaneous or fluid moments, am so committed to realizing certain things for the world that I obey my schedule. I even have a subscription to a CRM for goodness sakes.

But watching the simultaneously methodical and chaotic tidal wave rise is eerie.

The words oppressing us are looming large and literally, rather than as a cute joke.

Now I'm the one who is terrified.

George Washington and I feeling our feelings at the Morgan Library.

4. Receive

I am terrified.

Yet, in this present moment, I am safe.

And so I am also grounded.

I am grounded in the beauty of that thing called truth.

I am grounded in my metaphorical garden.

I am grounded in the miracle of my own life.

One way I ground myself is by staying focused on what is true, now.

I bring my attention to all that I am receiving.

[—Insert plug for the Receive Journal (lol)!—]

This week I received:

• A friend joining me impromptu for a Wednesday matinee of Hell's Kitchen (I know, how luxurious!) A gorgeously told and magnificently youthful musical about Alicia Keys growing up in NYC. I laughed, I cried, I gasped.

• The chance to help my friend pack up her apartment, and feeling accomplished as I methodically organized all her books, bookshelf, and desk clutter (look who's structured now!)

• My Fiscal Friday women's group, where we hop online and muster up the courage to tend to our personal finances together

• The hot tip to lock my credit score (and actually doing it!)

• Someone telling me about Fifty Fifty One

• The sight of Kafka’s notebooks at the Morgan Library

• Witnessing my dog pull a cushion on top of another cushion so he could more comfortably ravage a bunny (sort of like someone in the White House)

• A little girl showing me that you can enjoy a gale fury - you can fly kites in them!

These things have delighted and then grounded me.

I am grounded.

I hope you are too.

Love, Rachel