Life, for me, has been a tiny bit shit this month. You can tell because of the state of my kitchen sink. When life gets a tiny bit shit I refuse to do the dishes until I run out of plates, (which is why I only own four plates). I’m not going to do the damn dishes when the universe has been giving me a bunch of hard lessons instead of fun ones.
I occasionally draw maps for people that are visual audits of their life’s joys. A kind of treasure map of corners they could turn in their life if they followed what lights them up.
Isn’t that beautiful and profound? Well, I can’t stomach something like that for myself right now because, what joy motherfuckers? Instead, I’m going to meet myself where I am—sad and surly—and create an audit of why My Life Is a Tiny Bit Shit.
1. My Life is a Tiny Bit Shit—An Audit
Over a month ago I left Barbados and came back to Brooklyn and let’s just say the contrast has been a bit jarring.
I calmly suggested to my partner that perhaps we’re not compatible and should breakup. He paused. Then calmly agreed with the kind of certainty that I’ve since found absolutely heartbreaking.
Last year I was meant to be having the best fun building a world-changing toy company. But then I realized I didn’t want to ask investors for money because I hadn’t quite built back my Charm Reserve after a decade of running a not-for-profit. Also, nobody was begging to buy my toys. I made the hard decision to put it on hold.
I pivoted to Map Society. This is something I’m unreservedly good at—facilitating, coaching, seeing people’s innate greatness. I love this stuff. I thought this meant it would be really easy money. The universe has humbled me. So far in 2023 I have made $3,959.33. This is not enough for me to pay all my bills.
I’ve taken a moment to look around my life and I’ve realized, that right now, I don’t totally love it. It seems lonely and scarce. Many of my friends left the city during the pandemic. In loosing my boyfriend I lost access to his friends and family (and the person who did the dishes in this household). My bank account is blah. My bills abundant.
In conclusion: WTF.
2. My Life is a Tiny Bit Fucking Awesome—An Audit
When I confessed how little money I have made this year to The Build In Public Fellowship three fellows immediately offered to meet with me. This is basically like Beyonce, Rhianna, and Lizzo offering to meet with you when you’re an aspiring backup singer. What’s more, there was not a hint of condescension, but, in fact, a deep respect for me and the amazing things I could achieve with a few adjustments. When I think about the generosity of this, of seeing me for my greatness even when I’m struggling to stay in the game, I’m so moved I weep.
KP, my friend and the founder of the Build In Public Fellowship met me for an hour, went through my spreadsheet of business revenue, gently pointed me in the right direction, dropped some profound wisdom, and then kicked my butt.
My Mum and my friend L called me (a lot) to “just checkin”.
My friend T invited me to facilitate the final session of the NYC Forum on Mental Health. I kicked ass!
My new Power Mapping group—all brilliant female entrepreneurs—caught me knee deep in grief around my relationship and made room for it. Almost because of this we went on to have the most incredibly powerful second session. During the acknowledgment circle S said to me: “You’re basically Cleopatra.”
I had an inspiring 1:1 Map Session with a founder who has hit product-market-fit. Abundance, it turns out, is not easy but we ended the session elated. Afterwards we were casually chatting and I shared things were a bit flat for me right now. He lit up and said:
“Cool! You should tweet about this moment, because in three years when you’re in my position you’ll be able to re-tweet it to offer perspective on your success!”
He was totally serious. When.I’m.In.His.Position.
When I texted my friend E that I was starting to feel isolated she immediately texted back “I’m home in 2 hours, come over.” Even though she had house guests, a 9 year old, and and an investor meeting in the morning.
I had a wonderful in person lunch with two mega successful founders. I’m talking dream exit successful. And as I was having a moment I’d promised myself not to have (you know, a mildly disempowered sniveling one) Mr Dream Exit shared openly about a time he was in a similar boat. What did he do? He met himself exactly where he was and started saying “I love myself” into the mirror each morning.
No front. No lies. If that’s how Mr Dream Exit started to dig himself out of a metaphorical hole, you can bet that’s what I’m doing now.
Not only do I love myself, I love my home, I love my dog, I love my plants, I love my local cafe, I love Sunset Park, I love the East River, I LOVE the taco truck, I love my friends, I love my new growing community, I love founders, I love the afternoon sun, and my neighbors are okay.
It is breathtaking how supported I’ve been this week.
It’s not lost on me that I cannot experience this kind of support when I’m living the dream life. This kind of generous—I really need it—I’m messy with grief—support is only experienced from down here in the swampy waters of failure and disillusionment.
3.Conclusion
Impermanence Motherfuckers: This too shall pass.
Meet yourself where you are. Even I can’t cover up a shit pile with sparkle dust and call it beautiful. (And we all know I love sparkle).
Failure is a teacher. Learn and grow.
Celebrate the void. From nothing you can create anything.
Let it in. The generosity of others is breathtaking. You’re not alone.
4.Map Society
Yes I’m in the dumps. Yes I’m delivering magnificent Map Sessions—I got you!
Read the whole thing because it was so captivating.
One of your ABSOLUTE BEST newsletter editions by a huge margin.
It felt like you are in a movie .. your life is both messy but magnificent in many ways
I’m glad you shared this out loudly and now you get to collect the pieces and make baby steps
See ya on Friday mastermind
PS: also honored to be listed here -> “This is basically like Beyonce, Rhianna, and Lizzo offering to meet with you when you’re an aspiring backup singer.” I’m Beyoncé right? Right? Right?